As today's a day for me to carry the emergency phone and answer questions that users ask, I answered to the best of my abilities.

Me: IT Department, Niklas speaking. User: Hello! This is X speaking. I've got a problem with a printer. M: I see. What seems to be the problem? U: The printer...should we use this printer or the other? M: Pardon, but which printers are you referring to? U: The other one. M: ...so, to clarify, you have two printers. Are they faulty in any way? U: No. M: So how may I help you? U: We need to configure one. M: Right! Is it a network printer, or locally installed? U: It's a network printer, which is yet to be connected. We just got it delivered from another location. M: I see. Can you locate a network port at the back of the printer? U: Ehm...I find...I find...a JetDirect thing.

A JetDirect box is a little box that is needed to connect some HP printers to a network.

M: Good. You should be able to connect the JetDirect-box to the printer. U: Umm...that's not possible. M: Is the cable that is used to connect the two missing? U: Umm...that's not the problem. Hello? Hello? M: Yes, I'm here.

I receive no reply, and hereby spend about 30 seconds in silence with no answer whatsoever. Just as I'm about to hang up the phone:

U: HELLO! M: [half-deafened] Yes, hello. U: I was talking to a few other persons back there for a while. M: Eh, no worries; so, back to your printer problem; is there-- U: I can't connect the box with the printer. M: I see. Is that because a cable is missing and-- U: We have to connect the printer to the network. M: Yes, that is what we're attempting to do, right now. U: Yes. M: Is the cable that is used to connect the printer with the JetDirect-box missing? U: Yes. M: Right. Can you find it anywhere among the components that you have retrieved from the original location? U: Of course not! M: I see. Well, do you have a network cable available? U: What's that?

I explain. The user says there's one connected to the JetDirect-box.

M: Good! The network cable should be connected to the JetDirect-box and then plugged into a network socket using the other end of the cable. U: The other end? M: Yes, the other end that is not connected at all, at the moment. U: How do I know whether it is connected to anything or not? M: Just follow the network cable that is connected to the JetDirect-box and see if it is connected to anything at the end. U: Oh, hang on.

The user inspects the 0.5-metre-long cable for 10 seconds and returns.

U: It's not connected anywhere! Should I connect the box to the printer now or later? M: [puzzled] Um, you previously said there was no way for you to connect the box with the printer. Are you able to do that now? U: Why, yes. Shall I? M: By all means. U: There! Now it's connected. M: Great! Now, you've got to connect the network cable that runs from the box into a network port in a wall nearby. Are there any network ports available? U: Yes, there is a free one right next to me.

The user connects the printer to the network port, then makes sure the port is active.

M: Great, now the printer is connected to the network! U: Good. Can you help me with connecting the computers to the printer. M: Sure, what's the name of the first computer you would like connected? U: It's Y.

I discover it's impossible to connect to Y. It doesn't answer in any way, as if it's recently been disconnected. ((For the nerds reading this, the DHCP-server carried its entry as if the computer was registered a mere 30 minutes before I received the user's call.))

M: Can you please check the computer to see whether or not a network cable is plugged into the computer? U: It must be! M: I hope so, but I cannot access the computer, as there seems to be some kind of network problem involved. Can you please check the back of the computer to see whether the network cable is plugged in or not, and-- U: Sure, hang on.

Half a minute later:

U: It is. M: What I was going to say, was "please check the back of the computer to see whether the network cable is plugged in or not, and also check whether the two lights - one orange, one green - right next to the port in the computer are alight, blinking or dead." U: Oh. I think they are. M: Would you mind checking that for me? U: Sure.

Ten seconds later:

U: They're dead. M: Oh, would you please try to jam the network cable just a little more into the computer, to make sure it's locked with the computer the right way? U: Oh sure, hang on.

Half a minute later:

U: The network cable isn't there! M: Well, that explains our problem. Where is the network cable? U: I don't know! But I do know one thing.

Ah, the dramatic approach.

M: Pray tell, what is that? U: That we have three computers, one printer, and no network ports available.

Oh, yes.

M: Ah. This gives you three options: either you leave one computer for dead with the printer working, or leave the printer dead with all computers working, or you ring a supplier who will come by to install a new network port in a wall, which will allow you to connect all computers and the printer at once. U: Come again?

I repeat what I just said.

U: Umm...but can't...can't we all...

At this point I thought of Rodney King saying "Can't we all just get along?"

U: ...can't we just get another...um. M: Well, those are the only solutions. U: But what if...what if...I connect a computer into a telephone? M: ... U: Oh, of course, that wouldn't work. Thank you!

The user then hung up.