On Friday the 17th Rade and I went to Göta Lejon to see what we thought would be the stand-up event of the year. Previously, we'd only been to see Eddie Izzard together, and that was fairly good, so guess what - we really wanted to see good stand-up comedy by Charlie Murphy and he seemed like a great deal.

I got front-row, middle-of-the-line seats; center-stage, baby! I was really thrilled and Rade too! The days prior to the gig we were psyched! And then we actually saw Charlie Murphy. My freaking god. I'll let this picture say it all.

Jebem ti oko, Charlie.

Yes, he was that bad. I couldn't possibly comprehend that he was that bad from watching "Chappelle's Show", but I've obviously underestimated Chappelle's/the producers' abilities to direct this bitch, as his jokes are way under par, not to mention his performing comedy is the equivalent of me defecating on my sibling's entire legacy. Sorry sis, I'm only making a point.

The warm-up acts were pretty horrific. I'll explain.

First up, Jari Routsalainen, a Finnish man who really hammered that note in. He came on-stage carrying a beer and a bag, displaying how he'd just come off the Finland ferry. He started by speaking Finnish saying stuff like "all Swedish men are homosexuals". I'm not in the least bothered by stand-ups trying to be funny that way, but he just had no edge to him. Nothing that would threaten Eddie Izzard's nationalistic and anti-nationalistic rants in the least, which was yawnful. He dragged a woman on-stage, put her on a stool, tied a scarf around her eyes and stripped as Guns 'n' Roses "Welcome To The Jungle" was playing. He sprayed cream on his nipples and crotch, laid down on the stage floor and asked the woman to take her blind-fold off. She did, courteously sniggered and went off-stage.

Next up wasn't "Freez Luv" as was announced on all the posters, but some lady popped up instead. She obviously wanted to look like Foxy Brown, but no Pam Grier here, just grief; she did impersonations, voices and bad jokes (e.g. "Why does Michael Jackson look like a burned-out candle?") and her demise from the stage was much needed.

During these acts, Rade and I just waited in pain for Charlie Murphy to turn up. And we looked at each-other as everybody else in the house seemed to revere the first acts, laughing everything up. Some idiot in the front row shouted "Sexy bitch!" as the second warm-up act said she didn't want people to call women "bitches" or any other derogatory terms. Yes, that kind of set the note for this NASCAR crowd of ours. Motherfucking idiots.

Then, Charlie Murphy was announced and came on. Nothing fancy. Just a big smile, big eyes. Rade and I laughed and applauded, giving each-other the finally-some-great-comedy-eye, but were we in for a surprise.

He started out by saying hello and that he'd been pushed off the tour bus in Rinkeby, which is a city that is mostly known to be poor and where many immigrants are shoved by politicians, when they want to live near Stockholm, Sweden. People laughed a lot at that. Local humor. I get it.

Next, he told us about a crazy thing that had happened to him. He was sitting in a bar with his friend Freez Luv, when he suddenly saw a big man with bulging eye-balls standing outside the ladies' room. He expanded on that big-eye-joke a lot, doing a face, too. People roared at that. Rade and I looked at each-other with fear. Charlie Murphy continued after a few seconds too many into that joke, telling of how the big man felt threatened by Murphy's gawking, insisting on fisticuffs. Murphy unintelligently made the crowd aware of how strange it looked, watching a man with bulging eye-balls getting strangled - thus said eye-balls getting further popped out of his head. This was delivered with no real good sense of tempo; he just said it. And the crowd roared. Rade and I had to reality-check. Were we suddenly devoid of humor? Erhm. No. Charlie Murphy was shit. And to further let you know this is true, consider the fact that the joke ended with Charlie Murphy saying the man's name was "Eyeball".

All jokes continued in this vein. All flat, treating the audience as though it were idiotic, but I don't think Charlie Murphy considered that, as I believe him to be stupid. And I was stupid enough to purchase tickets to go see his horrid act.

Rick James. I love the original sketch about how Charlie Murphy met him and had a few altercations, but to say Charlie Murphy re-used that sketch a few times during the show...he used it a lot. A LOT. Every ten minutes. I'm not joking. He almost talked us through the sketch. The only - the only - thing I laughed at during the entire Charlie Murphy thing, was how he said that Rick James had an actual swimming-pool in his living-room. That was funny. But that was just probably the truth.

See, I like a bit of interpolation in my jokes. Charlie Murphy joked badly about christianity, and I'm not saying you have to be as great as Bill Hicks when it comes to that...

...but I'm saying you have to deliver something worthy of our hard-earned cash, god damn it. Charlie Murphy! Your brother is a million times beyond anything you will ever become. Why were you so good in "Chappelle's Show" and such a shitty comedian when you're not behind the camera? Looking at your schedule of coming shows I see you're due to act out at an improvisation festival. Good fucking luck.

On the way out of the show, I was happy for two reasons: 1. I had a believable witness with humor who could say I wasn't mad to say Charlie Murphy sucked. 2. I no longer heard Charlie Murphy and his crowd of yeay-sayers who screamed at hearing how "men like bonin' - and you guys know what I mean when I say bonin' ((Which is ironical, as Charlie Murphy went on to define what he meant by "bonin'".))".

This was horrid, and I urge you: never see Charlie Murphy live. As we were leaving, one of Charlie Murphy's cohorts filmed the audience, requesting comments. Both Rade and I bit our tongues on the way out and later regretted it a lot. Spewing bile directed at that load of crap that we paid a bunch of money to see was atrocious.

I hate telling people of comedians that aren't funny, mostly because I start off by saying "this person sucked!" whereby every joke I repeat turns a little funny. But this isn't. To prove this, somebody recorded 20 minutes of the show and left it online for all to despair to; just click the play-button and you're set for audible death. The first minute or so is the second warm-up act, and then Charlie Murphy. Try to tell me I'm wrong, and if so, give me an example of what you thought was funny, and I'll try my very hardest to wrap my head around that idea.