I've often touted honesty as the only right way to live. It should seep through your every pore. Nothing should be less, nothing should ever cut through this adage, the pointer, the one, true thing that should show us all how to go about our day-by-day. But really?
A few days ago I saw a Panorama documentary on scientology. What struck me most about it, was not the fact that scientologists are brainwashers/brainwashed and harass everybody who is against their cult, neither the fact that the interviewer from the BBC lost his calm and started shouting at one of the most harassing scientologists, but rather that the message saying this cult is really dangerous really came through when the BBC-team was forced to convene in a toilet when surrounded by scientologists who had brought their own camera-crew, chasing the BBC'ers everywhere. At last free from the freaks, the BBC-interviewer looked into the BBC-camera and said "We're in here because this is the only place where we can talk freely. The toilet." He was interrupted by the voice of a scientologist wondering if everything was alright. At this point, the BBC-guy looked very worn-out.
When I've found myself really worn out, battered and bruised (mostly from my own gargantuan mistakes), what comes through is mostly the truth. This is where I stand now, and it feels good to be honest even though I'm quite unstable, life upside-down.
Complete honesty's always been part of my belief-system, but really, it's unattainable. ((Of course, this depends on how you define honesty. I let Merriam-Webster decide: a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts)). Saying you're always going to be honest is one thing, but being honest, truly honest - meaning you say and do exactly what you want and think even though it might hurt somebody badly - is very hard. Very much so for yours truly. Just like Morrissey said, "It takes strength to be gentle and kind" ((Of course, as opposed to this, being rough and brutish, self-centered, even.)). And honest!
This reminds me of what some say about altruism, that selfless concern for the well-being of others truly doesn't exist; you're just being nice to somebody in order to feel good about yourself. Some say altruism is completely unattainable, just like perfection: one may aim for it, but it perpetually moves away from you as you're closing in. Good thing, that. I cannot imagine being perfect, even though my high moral ground (which has of late been shot to shit) has often told me I have no or very little id, which of course isn't true, and has never been.
Life is hard, and it will kill you.