Hot flashes around my face. I feel it's gone numb and my head's in a mess. I can't focus, I can't concentrate or even take care of the simplest of tasks. My hands go cold. I feel a panic attack coming. I incessantly make fists. I want to stop it, I cannot stop it, I cannot take care of myself, I cannot cannot cannot

The above paragraph is a very simplified version of what the start of a panic attack mostly is for me. It's an utter attack on all senses, mentally as well as physically, which manifests like an inner demon. When it comes, I can feel it coming, mostly a few minutes before it strikes. In my case, I know a panic attack is my mind and body's corroded way of protecting itself, like weeping is for mourners who reach the apex of grief.

I no longer have panic attacks like I used to. Even though they rarely hit me now and may feel more simple to handle due to experience - as I imagine an epileptic knows to handle an epileptic fit in due time - they're still an assault and are far from easy to handle; the aftermath of a panic attack, for me, is an after-the-storm sense of being. I feel my muscles have been flexed more than I could otherwise, had I not had a panic attack, and due to my holding my breath during the ordeal my head feels a rush of blood and ten kilos heavier. My fingers tingle and I can hardly stand up. Thoughts start assembling, albeit slowly. I feel relieved, although what caused the attack is the most interesting part - and very much still inside me, not gone: if you think panic attacks go away from merely having them, think again. If you're dealing with a problem, it's not going to be solved by your ignoring it. And thinking that a panic attack is soothing is like saying your migraine is best relieved through an amputation of your head.

There is no easy path through the jungle that is one's mind. Oh, brother...

After I've had a panic attack and calmed down much, I try to see what's triggered it. This is not as simple as it sounds, and I can only do my best, aided by my therapist, talking about the possible list of causes. Throughout the years I've tried to blame myself infinitely for my problems as well as blaming my past. I've been very angry but have seldom expressed that anger. Now, I try my best to delve into the unknown and deal with my troubles. I fail and I work more, until I'm closer to any form of solution I can reach. I'm not competitive by heart, except when dealing with myself. I always see every little task as a battle to do the most I can of it, and if I am somehow able to perfect the task, I blame myself for not perfecting it even better. Perfecting_est_.

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say with this post, but I know that dealing with hard stuff instead of trying to close my senses off from it is the way to go. Even though it can be hard as hell at the moment it's always good in the long run, or even a little time later in the day.