The past days have meant more to me than I can explain. I've been in a bubble for the past months and I've finally seen what I have been doing and how I have reacted, amidst all my other doings; I'm moving tomorrow. Moving away. Not running away. It scares me very much.

I've been so scared of my own emotions that I've shut people and events out from my mind for months. Doing that is awful. I haven't done it consciously. It's a long story, but all this has stopped now. And I will try to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's like: when is an alcoholic completely sobered up? I'm aware of this behaviour now, which of course means a lot. I just have to keep working at it and sober up more and more and more.

I'm not functioning well. Every day is a very little step, and I don't know in which direction. I don't know where the future will take me and I'm scared about that, too. It's good knowing I've got friends even though I have to do all of this by myself, and I want to - even though I'm terrified.

One step at a time. I can make mistakes and I can fall flat on my face and come back up. I can feel like I'm trapped under ice and I can allow myself to feel like I'm OK before panicking again a little later on.

I'm keeping a diary through all of this. Some day, some day...