I've been through ditches and trenches in the past few days and I know this is merely the tip of the ice-berg as only a few days have passed. Dear person reading this: I'm sorry for not being very concise.

I'm not taking much for granted as I'm trying to pull my life in the right direction while thinking of all kinds of things during this crisis of mine. I've just hurt the person I've loved most. I've been contacting friends and relatives about how I feel through this, which is extremely humbling and something I've been very scared of doing in the past, when even the smallest problem used to be a problem in itself for me; I'm carrying aggression-issues from my childhood and I've long since just tried to avoid conflict any way I could - even with myself, which in a way is the basis for how things have turned out now.

Back to why I've previously seldom contacted friends when I've felt really sad: I've felt that by doing so I've been handing my pains to them - which is (for most people) not true. I know that those near me can call me any time, day or night and whenever, but I've felt I shan't be a nuisance to them by suffocation, using my problems, my guilt and whatnot. I'm working at doing rid of that. And I'm working like hell on my aggression-issues plus a lot more.

I moved yesterday and it was tormenting at times. We used dad's little car and drove back and forth four times. I've a bedside lamp up to give me light. 2/3 of the sub-let apartment I'm renting is filled with painters' gear, as they're still renovating the place. I cannot use the kitchen. My mattress is on the floor and I'm awaken by sunlight as there's no curtains or anything like it installed. After I've showered I have to roll a little machine in-place, to dry off the humidity as the bathroom's damaged by it since years back. I assembled and installed a toilet-seat yesterday night, after the move. The people who sub-let the apartment are nice enough to have installed a lamp in the hall, let me borrow a chair and have placed a bog-roll in the toilet.

It's going to be good, I think. It'll just take time. Tomorrow I'm borrowing a temporary bed so that the mattress won't be on the floor. I must buy curtains in the week-end, or something like it. And drill it fixed.

Here's a track by Sam Cooke, called "A Change Is Gonna Come", which I think says a lot about me now ((In part, the song is obviously, at times, about racial injustice. But as all great art, it can be interpreted in more than one way.)). The song is blissful. Change will come for me. It has. And things must get better. They truly must. And in due time, I hope everything will turn into what's the very best. Culled from the lyrics:

I was born by the river in a little tent Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since It's been a long, a long time coming But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky It's been a long, a long time coming But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

The song will be removed in a week's time.

[audio:https://niklasblog.com/wp-content/2007-04-17-achangeisgonnacome.mp3]