It's been a while since I spoke with a first-line support person who apparently didn't care the least about service, but today I did, as I had to call Hewlett-Packard to get some help with a multi-functional printer that didn't want to scan through the network. Here's the low-down:

HP: Hello. I: Err, hello! HP: What's your name? I: Niklas Pivic. And I'm calling-- HP: What printer do you have? I: Well, the printer I'm experiencing a problem with is an HP LaserJet CM1017 MFP. HP: Have you installed the software?

I won't bore you with minute details, but I will tell you this: I told the support person that the printer was network-installed, that I could print to it without problems, but that attempting to scan something through the network merely produced an error-message; I added that I had later connected the computer I was using directly to the printer by USB and that scanning worked that way - but still not through network.

HP: So, you used two computers? I: No, I only used one computer. HP: And you connected it to the printer by USB? I: Yes, after failing to scan through the network. HP: No, that's two computers. I: Err, no, I'm still only referring to one computer. HP: But you first said you used a computer to connect through USB and then another one through the network. I: No, I said that I first installed the software on a computer, then connected to the printer through the network, and when scanning failed, I connected to the-- HP: Did you turn off the firewall and the antivirus protection? I: Well...the firewall isn't the problem and neither is the antiviral protection, as we monitor those products carefully; the logs revealed no denied traffic nor disallowed applications. HP: The antivirus protection, did you disable it prior to installation of the software used by the printer? I: No, but the logs--

Here's the kicker:

HP: In our experience this is often incomprehensible to you, as the antivirus software interferes; in most instances all problems are solved by your reinstalling the software with the antivirus software turned off, so try that.

Where should I begin? I asked him to hold on, and collected my thoughts during this time. I then started again:

I: First, don't interrupt people unless you have something to say that will contribute positively to the situation. Second, you say "you" in a way that refers to me as part of a group of people who "often" experience "this" as "incomprehensible"; the only matter that so far seems incomprehensible to me is why you work in a service-based profession as your attitude, rhetoric and technical support so far has been way below what is professionally acceptable. Now, in order to solve this issue, I will repeat the problem. Thereafter, please indulge me by saying something that can actually help me.

Two seconds of silence. Then back in the same voice as previously, but louder:

HP: I have told you that you need to disable the antivirus software and you installed the software with it enabled and you then connected to the computer by USB and then by network, which may cause problems, and-- I: Sorry for interrupting you, but first of all I have not told you that I first connected the computer to the printer by USB; I first attempted to connect the computer to the printer by network, and when that didn't work, I connected it through USB and-- HP: Well that may be the problem. I: Sorry, but exactly what do you mean? HP: I mean there's a problem with your antivirus software and you need to reinstall the software and then connect to the printer through the network, not the other way around!

The last, emphasised part was spoken louder than the former words of his sentence.

I: Don't raise your voice at me! Now, either you listen to what I say or you will let me speak with one of your colleagues. Are you able to understand me? HP: You need to reinstall--

At this point I felt like I do when watching Ewan McGregor dive through The Filthiest Toilet in Scotland ((In the film "Trainspotting".)), as if I've gone completely past the point of reason and entered the realm of The Tranquil, where nothing insane can reach me; it's probably built-in mental protection following years of tech support.

I: Sorry, but there's no sense in listening to you, as you are unable to interpret what I am saying. I will probably recover from your inane conversation, but please, consider working in another field than with service.

And with that, I hung up.

Right now, I wish I'd stayed on the line and had asked to speak with this person's boss. I wonder if it would have helped. On the other hand, I wasn't exactly constructive in my way, but if I had been, I seriously doubt his ability to have grasped what I was trying to say as he obviously had not during the course of the entire conversation. Idiocy.