What a crock of shit. I guessed I'd survive it and I did. I think. Or I might not think; maybe I'm infected by an alien being that makes me think this film is better than it was?

I've seen ten seconds of a Bill Hicks performance following this piece of terd and I thought that was fantastic, so my objective side is A-OK.

Time was a-wasted having seen this film and of course I blame myself; I'm stupid for having sat through it all. Yes, I love the original version of the film so see that instead! So, here's a little walk-through to prevent you from doing the same thing.

Yes, there be spoilers. I first decided to document my reactions appx. 30 minutes into the mess out of sheer dismay, so here we go.

The best bit about the image above? The menu in the background says something Norwegian about marinated herrings. The Norwegians in this film are like dark-skinned things in the new-ish first "Narnia" film: insane stereotypes; while the Narnia-film worked to say that the darker your skin is, the thicker and more evil you are, this film says that the more Norwegian you are, the thicker and more bound to be killed by an alien life-form you are. That sounded very Yoda-ish.

What the hell is this? Am I that guy from "Treme"?

Hey! Cool star-shaped little ninja stars. Of course they turn the round things into themselves. Who wouldn't want more ninja stars?

And behind xmas hatch #15 we find a bag of WOE IS ME

WEEEEEEEEESTLIFE 4-EVER

CANDY GIRL/YOU ARE MY WORLD

To Swedes, this is what you get when opening the dictionary at "typical norwegian". Or "more time spent on facial hair than on acting".

Or it could be me, if I ever hear anybody say "Hey! The guy who did that fucking horrible remake of 'The Thing' has done a film after that!", then that's the face I'm making. And the lean.

Everybody looks like this all the time in this film 20 minutes in and after that.

The man in the middle looks like GW Persson without Jabba The Hutt inside.

Ms. Crap Actor continues to look like "where did I put that extra roll of TP?" no matter what she does. Neve Campbell, all is forgiven!

You're just like a pill but instead of makin' me feel better

keep makin' me ill

JUST ANOTHER BOMB TRACK

Not even Beavis & Butt-head would huh-huh at this. Not anything.

The above turned up at the end. Why?

And to end this, here's very best thing about the entire film:

Yes. The song "JEG GIKK EN TUR PA STIEN" is a massive fucking hit!

So I can run as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere

Switch, itch, bitch. Don't see this, ever.