A person called me, and here's what happened:

I: IT Department, Niklas speaking. Person: Hello! I: Hello! P: I'm calling because I've heard that you master MS Excel. I: Well, I teach MS Excel, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I master it. P: Why? I: Err...I simply don't-- P: Who cares!

The person laughs for a couple of seconds and then cuts the laughter short. I suddenly think of a film, which at least is on the same level of bizarre as this conversation now hovers; It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.

P: Anyway, what I called you about is the following: what are the differences between older versions of Excel and the new? I: Well, I-- P: Just a brief rundown. I: I'll try-- P: Nothing fancy, just a few words on the subject. I simply want to know if a course can be held on this matter. I: Sorry, but just to sort things out: are you calling me to know whether I think a course that shows the differences between different versions of MS Excel can be created? P: Yes! Just that! I: My answer is yes, it can be created.

The person is now silent for five seconds.

I: Hello? P: Yes, yes, yes. Yes. I'm thinking.

Ten seconds of silence follow before the person speaks again. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

P: Well, my next question is: how many government employees in Stockholm city have Excel installed? I: Actually, I don't know. As I work for the social services, that's merely one part of Stockholm city, I-- P: But listen, wouldn't it be great to have a course where people learn the difference? I: You mean the difference between-- P: Yeah, just that. I: I was going to say, the difference between Office 2007 and Office 2003? P: Yeah! Oh, no, no, no, just all the versions.

I look to the skies and wonder if they will break. I decide to play harder.

I: Let's see if I get you correctly: you wonder if I think it's a good idea to hold a course that explains the new stuff in Excel 2007 in comparison with Excel 2003? P: Precisely! You've got it! Would it contain much? I: Much information? P: No!

Five full seconds of silence follow. Now it places the lotion in the basket.

P: I mean, enough information. Not too much.

I decide I'll dodge a conversation on what "enough information" is, according to the person.

I: Well, I'm sure there are plenty of companies out there that can aid you in tailoring a course for users-- P: How about this: they write questions and bring them to the course. I: Eh, yes, that's good. Let the attendees think about what to ask before attending, so they'll be-- P: Be prepared, right. And that'll do. I: I guess so! Is there anything else I can help you with? P: Well...is there anything about this on the net? I: Microsoft has a lot of info on the differences between Office 2003 and Office 2007 on microsoft.com. I'll gladly help-- P: Oh no, I don't mean it like that.

It places the lotion in the basket.

I: Sorry, but what do you mean? P: I mean, why isn't there information about the differences between Excel [sic] already? I: There actually is. If you open Excel and press F1 on your keyboard, you'll see-- P: No, not like that. I mean, a person. I: A...person? P: Yes, I'd like a person to speak with me. Rather. I'd prefer that. I: Well, then I would be happy to direct you to a company that can help you with designing a course that can fit your needs. Would you like to get some contact information to help you out with this? P: No, I'm actually satisfied the way things are now. Thanks a lot for your help, you've been kind. I: Oh, you're welcome. P: Good-bye! I: Good-bye.

Put the fucking lotion in the basket!