I've no idea. I feel like I have very little to say, to give or to question. I feel like a gaping hole, a human pathway into Hell, leading everybody around me there. I'm not that megalomaniac but I can honestly say I have no idea what the future might bring but I hope for the best and I have no way to even remotely put in words how I feel at times. I'm a human spoof, a fatal error, a bridge that carries nobody except those willing to fall. I wish I was part of a binary signifier. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I feel like I'm alive. Right now I just don't know. Writing this while panicking isn't good, I know this, but I have to write what I feel even though I don't know what I feel. Maybe this life isn't life. I have to publish this post. I have to let myself know that this will pass, even though I don't believe that. I feel like I'm fainting but I'm still sitting up straight. I have no idea how and why and where and when and what and I'll just try to make the most of things while I'm simply not feeling even remotely good.

I have to go to lunch. I have to carry on working. People rely on me. And in my private life I let everything I've ever built up crumble just by existing. I have no idea on how to work through this. Therapy right now is not good at all and my landlords recently gave a me notice saying I have to move out by the 15th of September which means I then lived there for five months and not a full year and I don't know what I'll do. It'll work out, I keep telling myself. I miss my bed. I miss my home. I miss being healthy, stable and together. I'm no longer that. I don't know what I am.

I'll go on three weeks of vacation in a couple of weeks. I hope I will spend them better than now. Right now I just want to donate my body to charity and hang a gigantic warning-sign on it. Staple it to my forehead: "Don't. Buy. Or. Even. Consider. It."